Easier to Run Read online

  “Mom'll be happy to hear that. Dad, probably, too, but he won't show it.”

  Cassie slid my phone across the table. “You okay?”

  I took a long swig of orange juice. “Yeah,” I said. It was true enough.

  After we finished eating, Cassie sniped my keys and grabbed her bag leaving me to throw away the trash. I had no idea what on earth she was up to so I scooped everything up, grabbed my own bag, and headed after her.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, climbing into the cab and finding her in the sleeper. She’d pulled away a bit of plastic and slid a piece of notebook paper out from behind it. I saw her shoulders quake as she turned to face me, holding the folded piece of paper in her lap.

  “I had to see if it was still here,” she said, fidgeting. “Last time I came with you, I wanted to tell you everything, but I chickened out. I couldn’t. I-I um,” she took a long breath. “I wrote it all down and hid it. I figured I’d tell you after we got home. Tell you where to find it. I didn’t want to see your face. I couldn’t face you.”

  I wrapped my arm around her, squeezing her tightly. “Sweetie, there’s nothing that you have to worry about telling me.”

  She laughed softly but didn’t move away.

  “How about this, then?” She paused, backing away to put some distance between us and eyeing me carefully. “I had a total crush on you growing up.”

  I grunted and sat back against the wall of the cab, lacing my fingers behind my neck. “I know.”

  “What?” Her mouth stayed open.

  “I knew for a long time.” I laughed to ease the tension. “I just had no idea what to do about it. Pushing you away—I couldn’t do that, so”—I shrugged—“I acted oblivious, and life went on as usual. I figured you’d eventually grow out of it, find a nice guy closer to your own age and forget about me. But then you jumped two grades and nothing held you back.”

  “Yeah right.” She clasped at the paper again, crinkling it between her fingers then flattening it against her thigh. “I always wished it could be different,” she whispered. “I wanted you to find out on my own terms.”

  Her body began to shake—her effort to hold it all together as she spoke was painfully visible. I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know if reaching out to her would make things worse, but I did anyway, and she leaned willingly against me.

  “I’m okay.” She sniffled. “I know I shouldn’t be doing this right now, I don’t—”

  “Cassie,” I took her tear-stained face between my palms. “I can make up time if you need to talk. It’s fine.”

  “I know you would, but I don’t think it’d be humanly possible to make up as much time as I’d need. What I really wanted to say….” her voice died away as she crumpled the paper into a ball in her lap. “You should call your ex. Say what you want to say no matter how it turns out.”

  I felt like my heart stopped beating while my muscles tightened, then quickly released. I didn’t want this to become about Liz. “She’s probably not even up yet.”

  “It’s worth a shot, right? Don’t regret not saying what you need to say.”

  “You know you don’t have to regret anything. What happened wasn’t your fault, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Especially not me.”

  “I know.” She stared down.

  I took her chin and pulled her gaze to me. “You keep agreeing, but I’m not sure you believe it.”

  She looked at me for a long quiet moment, but her eyes remained distant, focusing on things I could never see or understand. “I want to believe it. Logically, I know I should, but it’s hard when I always feel like I’m being punished.” Her sob broke me deeper than Liz’s call. I couldn’t bear the pain written all over her features. I gathered her shaking body in my arms—it seemed like the only thing I could ever do.

  “You’re not being punished.”

  “Then why do I keep losing everything?” She laid her head on my shoulder.

  “You didn’t lose me.” I brushed her hair away from her face and caught a lone tear before it slid down her cheek.

  “I did. Then, I got you back. I wish it was that easy to get everyone else back.”

  “I know, sweetie.” I rubbed her back and squeezed her tight against my chest. “I wish I could make you hurt less.”

  She straightened and nudged me with her shoulder. “Go on and do what you need to so we can hit the road. I’d like to see Florida again even if it’s from the highway.”

  I pulled out my phone, staring down at it in my hands until I had the strength to move. Cassie was right, and I only had one shot. If I didn’t call, I’d regret it. “Wait in here.”

  Cassie nodded, grabbing the blanket and moving up front to the passenger seat.

  I jumped out of the truck, the shock of the pavement rumbling through my joints.

  The phone rang once. My thoughts took off, running faster than possible. Maybe we can make this work.

  Twice. Maybe she won’t even answer.

  Three times. If she does answer, it’ll be to tell me to fuck off.

  Liz answered in a hushed voice. “Hello.”

  I was fairly certain she hadn’t even checked her caller id. “Hey, it’s Ben.”

  “I’m trying to sleep. Not all of us enjoy living at the butt-crack of dawn. What the hell do you want?” She had never been a morning person, and I was usually ready to pass out by the time she thought life began.

  “I want to talk. If you didn’t want to talk about it, why’d you even bother telling me?”

  “You’re never around, Ben. That’s not going to change so there’s not much to talk about. I called because I thought maybe we had a chance, but you’re on the road to nowhere, as always, so why bother trying?”

  “Why bother? You figured that after breaking the news to me in one breath that you’re pregnant and having an abortion. We may not get along, but it doesn’t mean—”

  “I’m not raising a baby on my own. Is that what you want, Mr. Family Man?”

  “We could co-parent. We don’t have to be together.”

  “Right,” she huffed. “And that happens until we both move on. You’re always on the road as it is. When exactly are you going to co-anything?”

  “I can figure it out.” I would figure it out. I’d take another job if I had to.

  “Right, because you work for daddy. I’m sure you can get whatever you want. While I carry this baby all alone for the next nine months. You going to pay my bills, too?” It was amazing how she could wake up and go straight for the jugular. Sometimes I believed she had the natural instinct of a cougar.

  I rubbed the bridge of my nose. We were getting nowhere fast.

  She made a sound in her throat, like a feral cat about to attack. “Shouldn’t you be on the road as we speak?”

  “Yeah, but I figured I could make time to talk about this.”

  “How chivalrous of you. I’d like to go back to bed and get some more sleep before my appointment.”

  Appointment.

  The call disconnected and I dropped my hand to my side. What did I matter?

  Cassie

  Talk to her? What the hell was I thinking?

  I’d just confessed my crush and told him to talk to his ex. Try to work it out. But it was potentially his baby on the line after all. I had to tell him to do it. To give him one more shot. My conscious was heavy enough to lug around.

  Fuck. I shook my head. Life could fall apart so quickly.

  I wrapped the blanket around myself and curled up in the passenger’s seat, flattening the notebook paper out on my lap. I had it flipped over so I couldn’t see my own writing on the other side, but I didn’t need to see it. I’d never forget it.

  My teenage writing…. I had never been one for loops and frills, so really my writing hadn’t changed much in the last six years. It was probably the only thing that hadn’t changed.

  I watched Ben pace while he spoke on the phone. It didn’t look like it was going well, and for the dozent
h time, I wondered if I’d done the right thing by encouraging him to call her.

  Closing my eyes, I took a breath in preparation and flipped over the piece of paper.

  Ben,

  I’m scared. If I’m at home as you’re reading this, I’m terrified. I wanted to tell you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t do it face to face, but you’re the only one I trust, the only one who might listen and save me.

  Save me, that was a tall order to put on a guy who had been barely twenty-one. But he was everything to me back then. In my mind, he could do anything, fix anything. He was the only one who could save me.

  I want to ramble on and on with reasons and excuses, even as I write this letter. I stare at the page and write letter after letter and word after word, but I don’t know how to put them together to say what I need to say. I don’t know how to spit it out. It hurts. So deep inside my chest that I can’t breathe. I can barely will the pen to move across the page. I can’t stay at home. That’s the easy part to tell you. I can’t stay there because Mitchel won’t stop. He won’t stop hurting me. He threatened me. He raped me.

  I remembered how long it took me to write that short sentence. One letter at a time. I almost choked up and threw away the page every time the pen had touched the paper.

  I’m so afraid, and I don’t know what to do.

  I balled up the letter and tossed it into the trash bag in the center of the truck, just before the driver’s door opened.

  Ben eyed it for a second, then looked at me as he took his seat. “Come over here,” he tilted his head.

  “You need to get on the road.” I was afraid that if I moved, everything would come rushing out too quickly for me to handle it.

  “Cassie Ann Bryant.”

  I smiled. I hated it when anyone else used my full name, but Ben… Ben was the exception for everything. I rolled the blanket up and dropped it in my seat while Ben slid his seat back so there was plenty of room for me to sit on his lap.

  “None of it was your fault, Cassie. You were a teenager, in a situation that you should have never been in. I wish I would have figured it out sooner.”

  “Mitchel was good. N-no one ever g-gave him a second look.” The emotions spiraled around my chest like a corset I didn’t have the strength to break free from. “He told me over and over that if I said anything, he’d make sure I never saw you or Rachel again. He knew why I wanted to go with you, and he intended to follow through with it.” I stared down at my hands fidgeting and twisting in my lap. If I hadn’t left, I wondered if my sister would still be alive.

  Ben tipped up my chin. “It wasn’t your fault. He put you in an impossible situation—faced with consequences of his making that you should have never had to deal with.”

  I swallowed, but my throat felt too tight to speak. My body shuddered as I inhaled and a single tear slipped by my defenses.

  Ben caught it with his thumb and wiped it away. “You told me to say what I had to say, and I had a bit more to get off my chest before we hit the road.”

  I pressed a smile to my lips, still not trusting my mouth not to stutter uselessly.

  “Stick around, Cassie.” He rubbed my back as he spoke. “When we get back, stay in town. I know you don’t think you have much to come back for—”

  “There’s you,” I said before I considered the statement.

  Ben smiled and hugged me tighter. “My family will be there for you, too. I can tell you without a doubt that none of us blame you for anything that happened.”

  I exhaled, left off balance when my body suddenly relaxed as if everything solid in my body melted in a flash. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  His strong hands lifted me to my feet, but I ached to stay against him. For him to keep holding me. The short distance that separated our seats was too much.

  “Now, we better hit the road,” he said.

  I glanced at the clock as he began filling in his log book. It was nearly seven—much later than I’d ever known him to start out. I considered apologizing for making him late, but I figured that’d just launch him into another spiel that we didn’t have time for. Instead, I pulled on my seatbelt and tucked the blanket around myself.

  The roads were still quiet as we got started, but we sat in silence for a long while as we rolled along the interstate.

  “If I tell you something, you promise not to laugh?” I asked, watching the beautiful greenery along the side of the road.

  “I’m not sure that ultimatum ever really works, but yes. If necessary, I’ll restrain myself.”

  I snorted at him and shook my head.

  “If I’m not allowed to laugh, neither are you,” he said, glancing over briefly.

  “I want to be a photographer,” I said.

  “That’s great.” He paused for a long moment. “Is that what you thought I’d laugh at?”

  “Kind of,” I said quietly. I didn’t want to present yet another laughable disappointment. Photographer was far from marine biologist, but I had a lot of making up to do if I ever wanted to get an intensive academic career back on track. But after everything, I wasn’t even sure I wanted that. Science was never my strong suit anyway.

  “You know how many people laughed when I said I wanted to do this for a living?” Ben said while he dodged a string of traffic coming off of an onramp. “Do what makes you happy. Screw what anyone else thinks.”

  I took a long breath and sank into my seat. “My c-counselor in high school got me into it.” And I had really enjoyed it. Not only was it a way to express how I saw the world without words, it gave me a few moments of Zen where my mind quieted and the world seemed peaceful for a few moments. “It started as a way to keep me focused, and I figured it’d be something that wasn’t really people intensive. I was k-kind of wrong about that.”

  “You’ll do fine. You’re already doing better than yesterday.”

  “It’s always easier with you.” But how long would that last?

  ***

  By afternoon, the drama with Ben's girlfriend seemed like a distant memory, although I doubted that he felt the same. In some ways, things had reverted to a familiar ease between us—so similar to the days we used to spend together. It was almost enough for me to buy into the façade that I might have a normal life again.

  I didn't want it to end.

  I wanted to stay on the road forever and never think about going back home. Never think about the crazy and necessary worries of finding a job and a place to stay before my money ran out.

  That damn money.

  The only reason I was able to be here.

  But I didn't want it.

  Ben was off doing whatever the heck he had to do while his truck was being unloaded, leaving me to wander around the lot and the nearby convenience stores—they all seemed more catered toward truck drivers than general travelers.

  It didn't much matter though. It was a beautiful day wherever I was, and I decided not to waste it. I put together my camera and got it set up in the open grassy area near the lot. Calling it a park would be an overstatement, even though there were some odd benches and picnic tables scattered about for those truckers who wanted to stretch out and enjoy a snack.

  Or, judging from one guy curled up under a tree—take a nap.

  The summer temperatures had dropped. It was still mildly hot but comfortable, and the breezy air around me was light and peppered with the smell of fresh cut grass. Life felt different for a few moments. Not forced, tight and constricting. For the first time in years, I actually considered enjoying it. Maybe the future wouldn't be so bad.

  I sat down under a tree, stretching my legs out in front of me along the tall, skinny shadow of the trunk, and readied my camera. I lost track of time, snapping picture after picture of random squirrels tangling with trespassing birds, leaves floating to earth on the gentle breeze, and even a beautiful blue jay who came to rest on a nearby branch.

  “I was beginning to wonder where you'd run off to,” Ben said, leaning against the tree next to me.r />
  “Sorry,” I mumbled, concentrating on my final shot of the sun disappearing behind the trees that lined a hill in the distance. “Back to the road?”

  “For a while.” He smiled and offered a hand to pull me up. “Then, you can show me some of your pictures later.”

  “They're n-not that impressive,” I said.

  “I doubt that.” His arm rested on my shoulders, as we walked back to the lot where his truck was waiting.

  My shoulder bumped into his side before he opened up the door, and even the slight touch of his hand to my back as I climbed up to take my seat sent contradictory messages through my body.

  Thrills and comfort.

  Excitement and relaxation.

  He joined me in the cab, and while I broke my camera down and stuffed it into the case and back in my bag, he finished all of his “pre-flight checks” as I started calling them as a teenager. I didn’t care to understand all of the details—the log book, switches, buttons. It all seemed far too complicated for driving along the interstate, but then again, I was used to four wheels and an automatic transmission rather than eighteen wheels and God knows how many gears.

  As I sat and watched him, he always reminded me more of a pilot than a truck driver. Not that I'd ever in my life been in the cockpit of a plane. Maybe I'd add that to a bucket list if I got up the nerve to make one.

  My list of things to do before I died would be sufficiently boring, and probably not worth listing. Be normal. Find a normal place in a normal life where people don't notice. Where I don't have to worry about people sitting behind my back and whispering about what happened or about my inability to speak like an intelligent adult.

  I wanted personal problems that no one else knew about.

  Before I knew it, we were back on the open road. “A few hours and I'll be at my limit, maybe we can find somewhere to eat. I'm sure back lots and roads aren't your idea of fun road trip.”

  “I'm not complaining,” I said. I wouldn't dream of it. “Don't worry about me, I just came along for the ride.”

  He chuckled but kept his attention on the streets and traffic as we headed away from the warehouse. “I never really understood your fascination with it,” he said. “I mean driving and doing the job is one thing, tagging along—”